Why Do I Always Think My Husband Is Cheating On Me?

by Ellen EvansJune 21, 2021

Let’s get the obvious – and the unfortunate – out of the way.  If you are concerned that your husband is cheating, you may be right. 

Particularly if the signs are obvious. 

What signs are we talking about, exactly? 

Dead giveaways

According to Psychology Today, the top ten indicators that your spouse is betraying you are these: 

  1. Improved appearance.
  2. Secretive phone or computer use.
  3. Periods where your significant other is unreachable.
  4. Significantly less, or more, or different sex in your relationship.
  5. Your partner is hostile toward you and your relationship.
  6. An altered schedule.
  7. Friends seem uncomfortable around you.
  8. Unexplained expenses.
  9. Emotional intimacy has faded.
  10. When you ask about cheating, Your partner deflects and avoids it.

Has your husband’s appearance all of a sudden improved? Has he recently been buying some fancy business suits or a bunch of new underwear?

Is he caring more about shaving, wearing deodorant, or has he switched colognes, maybe?

If your partner is beginning to make more effort to look good, especially in social settings when he is not with you, then perhaps your suspicions may be right. 

Phones tend to be people’s best mates at the best of times, so phones or laptops can turn into shielded obsessions when having an affair.

If your partner closely guards his communication devices, refuses to share them with you, or repeatedly deletes messages, these may be significant warnings of devious behavior.  

That said, as much as technology can be allies in terms of keeping an affair secret, social media can also reveal these dirty deeds if mistakes are made.

So, if you have fair enough reason to cross boundaries and invade his privacy, you may find an undeleted text or two.

Why you should pay attention to his emotions

When behaving in such a deceptive manner, your partner may feel guilty or distorted in his emotions. As a result, pass judgment either onto you or onto the marriage itself.

He may blame you for the relationship going downhill – sexually or otherwise. 

Also, please take note of any changes in his emotional availability. For example, when husbands are cheating, they usually become more unavailable regarding vulnerability and openness levels.

Has your husband retreated and kept his inner self from you recently?

How work can conceal cheating

Another telltale sign is if he has suddenly changed his work and/or play schedules. He tells you that he needs to travel more or put in more hours and work late.

Or his best friend has asked him to go hiking more frequently. So weekends are now less about you and “us” activities and more about him and “other” activities. 

Speaking of friends, is a close friend treating you differently of late? Does he feel awkward or stand-offish?

Sometimes friends or work colleagues find out about the cheating well before the betrayed one does. So, watch for these behavioral changes in your social circle. 

In terms of unexplained expenses, check your and your partners’ bank balances if you suspect something.

Money can spill into luxury treats like gifts, dinners, and weekend breaks amidst lustful affairs.

Lastly, is your husband starting to avoid any direct (or subtle) questions about why he is working so late or why he has changed his cologne after ten years of consistency?

Does he blame you for being so mistrustful, and why are you nagging him so much about his changes in behavior and mannerisms?

Those who are cheating tend to hide as much as possible. Those who are truthful (about anything) will tell you upfront and keep to simple explanations. 

If the above signs have you running for the nearest divorce lawyer, marriage counselor, best confidant, or friend, it’s important to note that all the signs in the world may not indicate that your husband is cheating.

Therefore, you are wise to consider your own inner state that may be leading you down a dark place. Indeed, perhaps the only deception going on is the one you are providing yourself with.

Consider these common 7 possibilities

Every relationship is different and so are any signs of cheating. If you suspect something is off, dig deep and ask yourself first what is going on in your inner world. 

  1. Do you have low self-worth? You may be wondering if you have enough to offer that is of value to your partner. 
  2. Are you getting older? In most societies, women’s looks (and youth) are valued. Perhaps you value your appearance and you’re worried he no longer finds you sexually desirable.
  3. Past experiences can help present (and future) anxieties. Maybe you were cheated on in a previous relationship, and you are afraid this hurtful monster will rise once again.
  4. Is there a history of cheating in your family or your husband’s? Are you worried that the pattern will repeat itself? 
  5. You don’t love or trust him as much as you once did. If this is the case, you may be projecting your lack of feelings onto him. 
  6. Are you only imagining that he is cheating (for whatever reasons), or do you actually have proof?
  7. Maybe you have early childhood attachment issues. Consider seeing a therapist or health care practitioner to help you process your emotions and any irrational fears you hold.

Then, check your outer world. If things point to cheating, then it’s time to consider divorce.

Conclusion

If you need to ask your partner what’s going on, do so, and if there is mutual respect and love, you should receive a loving and respectful response.

If not, you both need to look at what is changing for the worse in the marriage before (ironically) either of you starts looking elsewhere.

However, if you two are still interested in fixing and saving the relationship, couple’s therapy might be the way to go. You can read more about it here.

Recommended: When To Walk Away After Infidelity

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