What To Do When Your Husband Is Talking To An Ex Behind Your Back

by Ines SomoraiMay 18, 2021

Does your husband talk to his ex behind your back? Did he admit it to you? Is he texting her daily? Is this situation creating conflicts and hurting your marriage?

If your answers are yes, you’re in the right place.

We will consider all possible reasons why your husband is keeping in contact with his ex and what you should do about it.

“Is it okay for my husband to talk to his ex?”

Each marriage is different, and while it’s okay for some exes to stay friends, that doesn’t have to be the case for you. 

Perhaps your husband is just a friend with his ex. It doesn’t necessarily imply he has emotions for her.  Think about it while you’re trying to see if you should be concerned about the whole situation. 

However, doing something behind a partner’s back and giving them the silent treatment could hurt your marriage. It could be that he was just scared that you would get angry or something. 

It still gives rise to the question of why he would rather try to avoid your anger than be honest with you. 

This points to some messy priorities. So, if you don’t feel good about it – that’s reason enough for the whole thing to end!

Listening to your intuition helps you avoid unhealthy situations. Therefore, if you see signs something bad has started, then your concerns are not unfounded.

In case you already have definitive evidence, here’s some advice you need to hear and steps to take!

1. Make sure you know the whole story! 

You know what they say:

“Make sure you know the whole story before you jump to conclusions…”

You can trust your husband and assume he just wants to be friends with his ex-partner. It can be an option. 

There are plenty of reasons behind his choice to talk to his ex. Some will make you very angry, but some may let you know that your husband is not guilty.

Make an effort to figure out what is happening. So, if you catch your husband talking with his ex behind your back, simply;

  1. Let him know texting her hurts you.
  2. Address the situation openly – ask about what’s happening?
  3. Ask what are they talking about?
  4. Listen to him, take a moment to think about the situation, and make a decision.

Give him a chance to tell you all the details. Things can go downhill if you don’t have the correct information.

During this entire time, your husband may continue to deny things, and there will be no proof that he’s dishonest.

So the point of this is to talk to your husband so you can get an impression of what’s really going on. 

2. Discuss the situation. 

There is no reason to hide the truth: Yes, you’re annoyed, insecure, and vulnerable. This doesn’t mean that you should lay the blame on your husband for the jealousy you may feel. 

It simply suggests that you should let him know where you stand.

Discuss your worries and doubts with him. If he shows that he doesn’t care or seems defensive about it, you should push for more information.

I strongly recommend that you address the problem to your husband openly try to talk it through. However, I wouldn’t suggest you check his phone or interrogate him.

“Your emotions of jealousy and anxiety are valid when your boyfriend is talking to his ex. However, how you act on these may be more in the area of evaluation than the emotion itself. You must develop a habit of communicating with him more honestly about how you feel, and what you think, without making him feel the sole culprit in the conversation.”

Deepak Kashyap

3. Consider the impact on your marriage.

So your husband’s ex keeps on texting him. Okay. Now you need to watch his reaction. Does he get irritated? Thrilled? Is he protesting about it? Does he leave the room to answer the call? 

The only way to know if their interaction is the beginning of a possible reunion is to observe and listen. Try to find out how often they talk if you don’t have that information.

If it happens daily, you should be more worried than if it were just every now and then. Also, think about how these chit-chats influence your marriage.

Is it preventing you from having normal interactions with your husband?

You are probably able to recognize if he’s hiding stuff from you pretty quickly. 

Focus on the way he behaves around you when he’s using his phone. For example, if he has a secret, he will probably switch to a different app or lock the phone before you see something.

Women are more likely to make a quick judgment before considering all the facts – that their partner is unfaithful. 

Although it seems reasonable, talking to your husband is the best thing to do at the moment.

And if you struggle with this step, you can always rely on therapy. Therapy can help you better communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner.

You can read more about it here.

4. Try to understand. 

Some ex-partners can stay on good terms after the breakup. But, on the other hand, some can’t handle it, and some stay a bit more than just friends. 

Having said that, you have to pay attention to the intentions of both sides involved. 

If your husband wants to keep talking with his ex, it’s important not to try and control their communication.

In case he wants to talk to her, giving him support to do so could be the best option. 

People have a habit of resisting any effort to control their behavior, so if you strive to limit or command his actions, it usually has an opposite result. 

And if you try to control the situation, your husband will probably resist. He will only try to hide things from you.

When partners begin to play hide and sneak, it makes a relationship less close, “If you chase it, it will hide.”

Instead of being a person your husband loved to talk to, you will become a person to hide stuff from. If you want to stay informed, try to understand his reasoning for talking to an ex.

As a result of being patient, you will have an opportunity to build trust. It will lead to a situation where your husband is honest and clear about his intentions. 

And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

5. Take the time to think about everything…

Even if you discover some things you didn’t want to, while questioning your husband, give it a break. Isolate yourself for a while and reflect on what’s happening. 

Before you make a move, consider what your clearheaded reaction should be. Keep in mind that if your response is coming from your self-doubts, it might destroy your marriage. 

No matter what, try not to give him an ultimatum like:

  • “Never speak to her again” 
  • “Is it possible that you want to continue with it although it’s hurting me?” 
  • “You can choose…” 

This can make a situation worse rather than better!

Most importantly, don’t let anger control your reactions, so catch a few deep breaths.

You might send the message to your husband that you don’t believe him. But, instead, consider very carefully what you’ve discovered and the best ways to move on. 

Love, honesty, and trust are the foundation for everything in a successful marriage, and both of you should be ready to do anything (and also stop doing something) for your partner.

The Conclusion

Men behave differently when they want someone else. 

He may also act weird. In particular, he may be glad if she calls or when she’s around. All of this can help you see what could be a reason behind his desire to talk to her. 

When all is said and done, we can conclude that you can’t prevent anyone from doing anything. However, your husband is the one that has the power over this situation. 

But, on the other hand, you are the one to decide whether you will allow it or not.

whether you try to prevent your husband from talking to his ex, although it may be justified, or you just want to create drama out of it, your efforts are bound to fail.

What’s the purpose of a marriage if you can’t believe your partner will do the right thing or make a good choice on their own?

Every relationship or marriage should be based on the desire of both sides to be together.

You are not supposed to push or pull someone to be with you. In a vulnerable position like this, the best you can do is make yourself more genuine and understanding.

Recommended: When To Walk Away After Infidelity

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