How should you deal with a lying husband?
What would you do if you found out that the man you love the most, the one you entrust to spend the rest of your life with, has not been completely honest with you since day one?
All people are guilty of lying for their own personal reasons. It’s a universal trait of humans, and nearly everyone does it.
We conceal the truth when we feel like we have to. It just comes naturally to us.
We compliment gifts from our loved ones that we don’t really like. We say we’re fine even when there are millions of things going through our minds.
But not all lies are equal. The dishonesty can range from minor “white” lies to destructive and manipulative ones.
Regardless, it’s difficult to process when you catch your husband lying and keeping secrets from you.
You may feel confused, betrayed, bitter or angry towards your partner, depending on the gravity of the deceit.
When in a relationship, it is expected for both parties to be as vulnerable and honest as they can with each other.
So, that breach of trust can be so hurtful that it shatters the image you have of your spouse.
Trust is fragile, and once broken, it can inevitably put a hole in your relationship.
You may even start wondering if it’s still worth trying.
But before you make any irreversible moves and decide whether or not you should stay with your lying husband, consider reading ahead first.
Understanding why men lie in relationships
Humans appear to be hard-wired to lie, but men have the reputation of being untruthful more than women.
There are various reasons why your husband is lying, and it’s important to at least try to understand first where the dishonesty is coming from.
Not all men lie with the intent to hurt you or manipulate you.
Lying is even said to be a man’s cheat code to a happy married life! But why is that?
Research says that husbands generally lie about or hide anything from their spouses if they think the subject will trigger a negative reaction.
They may feel like they’d get shouted at, so it’s better to just make up a “white” lie that sounds more acceptable to their partner.
In their view, it’s a way of protecting and saving the marriage.
Your husband may feel like he’s constantly on the tip of his toes when talking to you.
And that the easiest way out of any unnecessary arguments and disagreements is to just straight out lie.
Not only will it avoid misunderstandings or long explanations, but it can also even make you feel more at ease and pleased.
For him, it’s how he maintains peace and happiness in the relationship.
Here are some of the most common reasons why husbands lie:
- He’s trying to protect your feelings
- He wants to gain acceptance
- He’s afraid that you’ll get disappointed and reject him
- To save himself from facing the consequences of his behavior
- He wants to avoid conflict
- He’s protecting his ego
- To get something he wants
But while he may feel that lying about minor things is fine, chances are, you see it the other way.
Lies are lies regardless of the intent, and they can easily pile up.
What lying does to your marriage
Occasional lies are inevitably common in a relationship, perhaps more than we’re willing to admit and accept.
However, lies, both big and small, can balloon over your problems and wreak havoc in your marriage.
Whether your husband is lying out of consideration or for personal gains, it can ultimately impact your relationship negatively. Some of its costs are:
Lack of intimacy
Intimacy involves emotional vulnerability.
Without trust and honesty, it would be difficult to share this wholeheartedly.
Your husband may even be feeling guilty to the point that being intimate with you becomes uncomfortable.
Being on the other end, it’s obvious how the lie can destroy your faith in your husband.
After all, a healthy relationship needs an ongoing level of security and trust.
And, of course, no one ever enjoys being lied to!
Even the little lies can plant a doubt on anyone’s mind, so I understand how a single slip can make you lose your faith in your partner.
The more lies that come out of his mouth, the more you’re likely to doubt him.
Lying is a slippery slope!
A study found that our brains adapt to dishonesty, and so, the more your husband does it, the more likely it is that his mind gets used to it.
Not to mention, the longer one keeps a lie, the more he has to do for it to stay hidden.
And by the time the series of charades is over and the truth has been set free, the damage and pain may come double or even irreversible.
Sometimes, managing the lies can be overwhelming for the deceiver as well.
With that, your husband may resort to justifying his actions.
It may even come to a point when he becomes convinced that lying is necessary to keep your relationship afloat and that he’s doing your marriage a favor.
This can affect his behavior towards you and how he handles your relationship.
What should you do if your husband is always lying to you?
Before you can answer whether you should stay with a lying husband or not, here are some things you should consider beforehand.
These will help you better decide what to do next and even help you process your emotions along the way.
Check his lying pattern
As mentioned, men lie for various reasons and intents. Therefore, it’s important to understand which type of lies your husband usually tells and the motives behind them.
Does he lie to make you feel good about yourself? Does he lie to avoid judgment and embarrassment regarding personal matters like finances?
Is he deceitful to hide his secret affair? Or perhaps he’s lying out of compulsion?
Carefully going over his pattern can help you better understand why he’s lying and how destructive the habit is to your relationship.
For those who may be married to compulsive liars, meaning your husband constantly lies without a clear purpose or motive, professional help is recommended.
Being subjected to chronic lies can greatly affect a person’s mental health. And you should be able to get all the support you need.
Reflect on how you handle his truths
Sometimes, we do things that can also perpetuate our husband’s lying. One of the reasons why men lie is to avoid conflict and unwanted situations.
So, it pays to check your heart and think of what you usually do whenever your partner tells you the truth.
Would you get angry if he tells you truthfully that he got home late because he went out with his friends? Or if he happens to buy the wrong item in the grocery store, would you lash out?
If he’s constantly lying to avoid upsetting you and prevent things from blowing over, you may also be in part responsible for his behavior.
Remember that it’s important for you to provide a safe space that can encourage him to be vulnerable and speak the truth.
But this doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up. This only means you can grow together from this and know better how to communicate with each other moving forward.
Directly but respectfully tackle the issue
There’s no shortage of studies on how communication is a key component of a healthy relationship, and this is no exception. But, of course, seeking counsel or going to therapy could also be a good idea. You can read more about it here.
However, you must prepare yourself for where the conversation could possibly go. It’s also wise to be prepared in case he denies or covers up the issue.
At the end of the day, the sooner it’s out, the sooner you can start doing something about it together.
Listen to what he has to say and be receptive to his explanations. Be clear of what you want and what you expect from him. This is also a good time to talk about your deal-breakers.
Know when to draw the line
There’s no way I can answer whether or not you should stay with a lying husband.
Only you can decide if there’s any amount or kind of lying that is tolerable for you.
Or if you’re willing to give him a second chance to straighten up the issue and do something about his lying habit.
Your time and moments together with your husband are nothing to be dismissed.
But if the chronic lies are taking a toll on you and he’s not willing to do something about it, it may be time to heal on your own and let go.
A divorce is always an option if the problem is too big to handle or if you exhausted all other options.
I recommend you check out these 9 questions to ask yourself before filing for divorce to properly decide whether it’s the right thing to do or not.
If you’re still confused about what to do in the middle of all these webs of lies in your relationship, it may be best to talk to a marriage counselor.
This can help you process your emotions better and see how you can recover from this breach of trust.
Every situation is different, and some wounds may heal longer than others.
But trust me, you can still live the happy life you deserve away from all these unnecessary deceptions and dishonesties with or without him.