My Husband Doesn’t Love Me But Won’t Leave, What Do I Do?

by Khryss AustriaMay 16, 2021

This is perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching things any woman can encounter: a husband who doesn’t seem to love her yet doesn’t leave.

May it be the mutual feeling of losing the love once shared or a one-sided affair, it can be devastating to see the life you’ve built together with your partner slowly crumble down right before your eyes.

Maybe this thought has just crossed your mind due to your husband becoming distant and unloving. Or maybe those painful words were spewed right out of his mouth like some stinging acid you had to take in.

Either way, you may feel lost, looking for answers as to what to do.

And so you type in what seems to be the bitter reality, “my husband doesn’t love me anymore but won’t leave,” with the hopes of getting even just a little bit of clarity over the internet as to why these are all happening to you.

After all, even science agrees that love is believed to be a basis of marriage and should last forever when it’s genuine. So, it can be extremely confusing why he would want to stay when his love’s all gone.

How do people fall out of love?

What did you do wrong? Are you unlovable? What should you do now? 

Should you find ways to change his heart and win him over? Or is it truly the end of this fairytale and time to finally wake up from your “foolish” fantasy?

These may be some of the questions circling through your mind right now. But, on the other hand, you might feel like your whole world is turning upside down, and it makes you feel sick to your stomach. 

But before you can move towards your relationship, you have to understand first your partner’s point of view and what he could be going through that has led to his feelings, or lack thereof, towards you. 

So, how did it all happen? How did the love of your life suddenly change his mind and decide that he doesn’t love you anymore? 

Research says that there are two key things to know about how people fall out of love. These include: 

  • Love’s progressive decline
  • The crucial point of awareness

Your husband’s love has probably long been declining!

Almost anyone who has experienced falling out of love explained that the transition didn’t happen overnight. His feelings likely didn’t go out dramatically from intense, passionate flame to bleak, cold ice.

Instead, there was a gradual decline of the emotion from the little tics and misunderstandings put on the side, accumulating over time. 

It could be the increasing differences and unsettled quarrels that moved you further and further away from each other.

To the point that instead of love, your husband shows indifference, so much so that he doesn’t even care enough to leave.

There’s a specific time he knew when the love was completely gone.

Regardless of the place and time, those who fall out of love usually have that one pivotal moment when they just know it’s over. A time when they clearly recognize they have lost their feelings.

This usually leads to divorce.

With that, the question lies, why would your husband still opt to stay? Could it be possible that he was still not able to have this moment of clarity? Does he actually still love you and is just as confused?

What to do when you think your husband doesn’t love you.

They say it’s wise not to assume unless otherwise stated. So, if you feel like your husband doesn’t value or love you anymore, carefully follow these three steps that may help save your marriage and undo his plans of leaving.

  • Look for clarity
  • Raise the concern
  • Find common ground

Carefully Identify What Has Changed

Get a piece of paper and just start listing down the things or changes that have caused your worries.

This crucial step can provide you and your partner clarity about where the feeling of not being loved stemmed from. It allows you to clearly express how you feel and explain why you feel that way. 

Here are some common changes people who fall out of love experience to look out for. These could be signs that your intuition is true.

1. Absence Of Intimacy 

This includes the general lack of physical contact ranging from simple touches to passionate intercourse. It could start from avoiding affection until neither of you initiates a connection.

2. Trust Issues

It may feel like you can’t rely on each other anymore and that you’ve both lost confidence in each other. As a result, either of you may constantly wonder if the other is being truthful.

3. Feeling Unloved

Of course, the most glaring sign and the one you’ve most likely already noticed is that their actions don’t speak love anymore.

Be honest and talk to your husband.

If you think your husband is not in love with you anymore but he has never told you that, you might need to try your hardest to open the concern to him. 

Communication is crucial to a healthy relationship, even the topics that make you feel uncomfortable. It also has the power to free you from your misery. 

What if all this is just a huge misunderstanding, and you never gave him the chance to explain himself?

If you’re still willing to save your marriage, try to be more honest with your husband about what you feel. Just remember to do it calmly and respectfully so that it fosters a space for openness.

Also, since communication works both ways, you must be willing to lend an ear as well. Avoid the urge to be defensive. Allow him to share his side without judgment.

Have a mutual understanding of what steps to take next.

Given that both of you could communicate effectively, you might’ve finally gotten the answer you needed. 

Whether it’s true or not (that he doesn’t love you anymore), chances are you both would know what to do next or at least have a discussion about it.

Do you actually want him to leave you? Or are you just trying to protect yourself from the prolonged pain of the inevitable? Are you willing to try again and work on your marriage together?

Of course, your husband’s take on the situation is also extremely important. Is he willing to give it another try and actually do the necessary work? Or does he feel like there will never be a spark between you anymore?

Honor each other’s feelings and start making small changes together to get back on track. It is also highly recommended to consult a marriage therapist to help you with your progress.

You can learn more by reading about it here.

What if he refuses to open up or even listen?

Relationships are a two-way street. No one can tango alone.

If you have already communicated with your husband how you feel and carefully lay out why you’re feeling that way, but he’s still not receptive, take a step back and breathe deeply.

Clearly, something is wrong, or something is bothering him, but he won’t tell you. 

And, as heavy as it sounds, there’s nothing much you can do about it if you don’t know where it is coming from.

There are no easy solutions. But nothing about your relationship can be solved alone. So if your husband’s not willing to open up or listen, it’s time to have a deep talk with yourself.

You might still want to keep moving forward and pretend that your husband loves you and doesn’t want to leave. Or you might want to let it pass and see where it’ll go, especially if you have children.

Maybe the spark could come back. Maybe he’ll get his act together. And quite frankly, it’s all up to you if you’re willing to risk it all instead of ending things.

But the fact that he can’t openly talk to you might already be a sign of a bigger problem. According to research, 65% of divorces are usually due to communication issues.

So, if your husband can’t sit down with you to talk like adults, how will you sort things out? 

Being out of love is one thing but not having the willingness to do something about your relationship is a major red flag.

What to do when your husband says he is not in love with you?

If, however, he could finally acknowledge the elephant in the room, it’s time to know what you both want moving forward.

It is a common belief that partners must stay in love for the rest of their lives to make the marriage work and that genuine love should last a lifetime – no ifs, no buts. 

But what many don’t realize is that people are constantly changing, and we face different challenges each day. One day he could love you so much that it’s palpable; the other, he could be close to calling it quits.

Infatuation and excitement can die out, and sometimes, this might even be misunderstood as the love fades.

There are many reasons why people fall out of love, but it’s what you do about it together that dictates your marriage’s future.

Regardless of what has caused both of you to drift apart, try to slow things down and find your options. 

It is highly recommended to try marriage therapy to help speed up the process. It could also help you have such an unbiased and professional view of how your relationship is doing.

You can learn more about it here.

If he’s adamant, saying that it’s truly over and nothing would change his mind but still won’t leave, I hope you find the strength to put your foot down.

No one deserves to be in a marriage with a husband that has no love and can’t decide whether he wants to leave or not. 

If you’re afraid of having a broken family and hurting your children, imagine the pain it would bring them to see you continually fight or hurt each other every day. 

No matter what you choose, your kids will always be affected. But if it’s any consolation, the truth is you’re not alone in this.

Never Give Up That Easily

Don’t be too quick to think that your marriage is doomed because your husband doesn’t seem to love you and didn’t leave yet. Your relationship doesn’t have to end this way if you both don’t want it to.

Love and marriage are complicated things. And as ironic as it may sound, it’s actually good that you know about this now rather than later.

Consider the things that might have added stress to your relationship. Then, think of the recent changes that might have affected your bond. Significant transitions can strain a relationship, and it may feel like the magic of love is gone.

Always remember that love is a choice. The intensity of what your husband feels may vary from time to time, but if he’s willing to do something about it and work things out, it could still be worth giving it a shot.

Take the time to truly think and feel what’s best for you, given all the considerations. You are worthy of the love you give, and your decisions are valid.

You are stronger than you think, and you deserve to create a life that’s healthy for you and your family.

Recommended: The Difference Between Online Divorce & Local Divorce


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