I’m Not Attracted To My Husband After He Cheated, What Should I Do?

by Alexandra CraciunMay 31, 2021

Not being attracted to your husband after he cheated on you is not that uncommon, but there are some things to consider when thinking about possible solutions.

Cheating is so prevalent nowadays, and the repercussions of it are nothing to take lightly.

It can take a toll on your self-esteem, it can be a life-changing experience, or it can lead to even more problems inside or outside of the relationship.

Note: Alexandra is a professional Psychotherapist with specialized knowledge in relationships.

– Worried Lovers

What exactly are you feeling?

Some people even experience PTSD symptoms like intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and nightmares. And some others may even lose their self-esteem.

You may feel like the other person didn’t respect the fact that you gave yourself completely to them.

You may feel less important than the person he cheated on you with. But, whatever the thought process is, we shouldn’t minimize the suffering that comes with it.

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons why couples separate.

The betrayal is the thing that hurts the most, and it’s enough to ruin the whole foundation of an otherwise caring relationship.

It’s important to not feel ashamed to talk about the experience and allow yourself to process the emotions.

Knowing that you’re not alone in this can ultimately help you recover, as well as help your relationship progress and get to the next level.

In the meantime, here are some steps you can follow:

  • Leave Room For Intimacy, Whatever Form It Takes
  • Look For The Reason Behind The Cheating
  • Both Partners Take Responsibility For Their Part In The Relationship
  • Putting A Stop To The Other Relationship
  • Getting The Relationship Back In The Bedroom

Better explaining:

1. Leave room for intimacy, whatever form it takes.

Having sex doesn’t begin to encompass the whole complexity of what sexuality means. There are many nuances when it comes to intimacy, and there are so many ways to express it.

Intimacy is not only about sex.

It’s also about your connection with somebody, the conversations you have, the rituals you developed over time, and the closeness you built through shared activities and values.

Looking for lust will not save your sexual life, but repairing the severed bond could.

2. Look for the reason behind the cheating.

Cheating often happens if there have been deficiencies in the relationship before. Unfortunately, it’s easy to miss that when the news hits you like a sudden, unexpected blow.

The affair is the problem. There’s no doubt about that. But seeing the issues behind is the only way to bring out change.

If the infidelity results from a lack of commitment, the problems might be bigger than you might have thought initially.

Knowing what the problems behind are and figuring out if you can either repair or live with them is very important.

Therefore, a crucial part is knowing which things your partner is willing to change and which problems are unsolvable.

3. Both partners take responsibility for their part in the relationship.

One partner recognizes the hurtful aspects of cheating, while the other recognizes their own mistakes that may or may not have to do with the affair.

However, the transgressor must feel and show remorse while acknowledging their blame and their blame only.

He shouldn’t try to justify his actions or put them on the other person. Infidelity equals betraying someone’s trust. Recognize it for what it is.

4. Putting a stop to the other relationship.

This point is not debatable. However, terminating the affair is mandatory to put all the energy into reconnecting with your partner.

Sorry to say this, but if you want to rebuild your life together, a safety net is no way to do it. You have to be all-in.

5. Go To Therapy.

Therapy is a great boon when it comes to solving relationship problems.

You and your husband may be able to communicate better your desires and may rekindle that fire in the bedroom that you’ve been longing for.

You can read more about it here.

If All Else Fails…

Maybe you’ve exhausted every other option, maybe you can’t see your marriage progressing any further and you’ve realized that maybe it’s time to part ways.

Either way, let me preface this by saying that there is nothing wrong with divorce. Especially if you’ve actually tried your best to save the sinking ship.

If you choose to follow through with it, you should do so with a clean consciousness, knowing that you did everything in your power to stop it.

If you’re interested in divorcing him, but are still unsure and need more reasons, you can read more about it here.

Life can go on after an affair, even if you stopped loving your husband.

Not having a sexual desire for your partner can happen even if they haven’t been faithful, so it’s not surprising that it can happen when you go through such a painful experience.

Once the trust is severed, it can steal away every intimate thought that you’ve previously had about your partner. Yet, connection and desire are intertwined, more than we might think.

When staying together without working on the actual issue, the result is often the same.

The attraction will suddenly disappear, partners become estranged, and life will flutter its distractions in front of our faces all too often.

3 Things You Must Know:

  • Attraction Can Mean A Lot Of Things
  • Separate The Person From The Behavior
  • Should You Try To Save The Relationship?

1. Attraction can mean a lot of things.

Acknowledging that you don’t feel attracted to your husband doesn’t mean that you can’t ever feel attracted to him again.

You might’ve found him attractive before this happened.

You might still objectively say he’s handsome but can’t get yourself to be “in the mood” anymore. It’s unfortunate but perfectly understandable.

Attraction is not always about the physical. It can encapsulate so many things, and somebody’s body is just a small part of that.

When working on rekindling, the couple’s emotional life is the key to their happy sex life.

2. Separate the person from the behavior.

If you’re not sure if you want to go on, you can figure that out by thinking of other things that you’ve done right as a couple or by thinking about what you appreciate in your partner, despite their transgression.

Do you still get along with your partner? See the good in him? or remember the good times? All of these questions are worth putting.

3. If you fell out of love with your husband after he cheated, should you try to save the relationship?

After going through something like this, it’s very common that the partner feels like they don’t even want to work on the relationship anymore.

However, that’s the first thing that you have to establish.

Take your time to reflect on that, as that determination will ultimately be a predictor for the successful rekindling of the relationship.

If you decide to give the relationship another chance, then you must be prepared to put in the effort.

Time doesn’t fix anything, but you have the power to give meaning to the experience of infidelity, no matter how hurtful it is to carry on the fight.

Sure, you can fake it till you make it, but it’s not a guarantee that it will save your relationship. The problem will still be there, and it can creep out in unexpected ways.

If you feel like your marriage is a lost cause, but are still unsure whether to divorce or not, I recommend you check out these 3 reasons why you should divorce a cheating husband.

Conclusion

If you struggled with getting through the first steps for a long time, it’s time to think if it’s worth fighting for the relationship or not.

Gottman has a way to tell if a relationship is at the risk of ending.

If the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are creeping in your life regularly, if you start to rewrite your relationship history in a negative light or if the ratio of good incidents-bad incidents is not at least 5:1, then the alarm bells should be ringing!

And remember, you have the right to be happy and if your husband is getting in the way of that, then maybe it’s time to consider parting ways.

Recommended: Can Therapy Help Improve Your Sex Life?

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