How To Talk To Your Husband About Your Feelings

by Maria MagleoJuly 12, 2021

In a perfect marriage, you’d be able to freely talk to your husband about your feelings.

But Marriages aren’t perfect. They go through hard times and face challenges, and to make it continually work, both people inside the marriage should learn the value of communication.

However, communication can be tough, especially when stonewalling feels like the easiest thing to do during conflicts. But, it is vital to keep the marriage going.

To communicate and resolve the conflicts properly, it is necessary to be open and talk about your feelings to your husband.

But here comes the big problem: being vulnerable is difficult, particularly if it involves people closest to us and love the most.

This is because several negative emotions are associated with vulnerability, some of which is the possibility of rejection, humiliation, and the fear of being attacked.

And so, having to experience these negative emotions because of someone we love the most can be very painful on our end.

Nevertheless, bear in mind that our feelings play a vital role in our daily lives, especially in our relationships with other people.

Hence, no matter how hard it can get, you must learn how to effectively communicate your feelings to others, especially to your husband, if you want your marriage to work.

Why Is It Important To Talk About Our Feelings

Feelings can be quite confusing and are hard to deal with at times. This is even more so if the feelings we have during some moments are all negative.

But we experience them because of many important reasons, such as forming emotional attachments, helping us grow, and keeping us safe from harm.

Imagine not being able to feel happy and loved when your husband did something nice for you. Would that make your husband feel appreciated?

Imagine not being able to feel terrible when you did something wrong to someone. Or not being able to feel fear and anxiety when there is an impending danger.

These feelings that we have are there to help us make important life choices. They influence how we are going to react and respond to life events.

And, as a result, these choices and responses will either build or break us and our relationships with others.

Now, when it comes to relationships, feelings are essential as they help us build deeper connections and understand those we love on a more intimate level. 

The same thing goes when we are the ones who are sharing our feelings with them. It will give them the chance to understand us more and create a healthy relationship with us.

As Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. wrote in Psychology Today:

“Being able to trust your lover with your feelings is part of having a great relationship. When you share something personal—perhaps you are anxious about something at work—and your partner is supportive, it builds trust. It also gives you more strength to deal with whatever your issue is.”

Of course, it doesn’t take away the possibility of rejection and other negative consequences, but suppressing your feelings won’t lead to any positive results.

How To Talk About Your Feelings To Your Husband

Maybe you are one of those people who have a hard time opening up and sharing your feelings even to those who you love, including your husband.

You may have your own reasons: maybe you had unresolved traumas, maybe you fear rejection, or maybe you’re scared that your husband won’t take it in a good way.

But, despite that, you must always remember that being able to talk about your feelings to your husband is a step towards healthy communication.

And if you want your marriage to work, you will have to find a way to effectively communicate your feelings to your husband even though it doesn’t come naturally for you.

Here are some tips I will gladly share with you:

  1. Acknowledge what you are feeling.
  2. Find a good time and place.
  3. Verbalize your feelings.
  4. Come up with the best common resolution.
  5. Acknowledge your husband’s feelings.

Now, to expand upon that:

1. Acknowledge what you are feeling.

But, of course, the very first and most essential thing to do is to acknowledge whatever it is you’re feeling at the moment – whether you’re sad, anxious, angry, or hurt.

Sometimes, what hinders a person from sharing their feelings is the fact that they are scared that it might be irrational or that it might be wrong to feel such emotion.

But remember this: whatever you’re currently feeling, it is valid, and it is never wrong. 

What makes it wrong and worthy of judgment is if you use your feelings to behave negatively.

2. Find a good time and place.

Talks such as this require privacy. After all, your feelings are too personal, and you might find it very uncomfortable or awkward to talk about it in front of other people.

And, of course, you cannot just talk about it when you or your husband are tired, stressed, or dealing with something personal.

It will only lead to negative emotions and will result in more conflicts instead of resolutions.

If you want to communicate with your husband openly, rationally, and peacefully, find a time where you are both free from stress and well-rested.

3. Verbalize your feelings.

Here comes the tricky part: putting your feelings into words.

If you are one of those people who find it difficult, find a way for you to be honest about your feelings and verbalize them without sounding offensive and defensive.

A therapist may be able to help you do that. They are usually good at helping with communication and emotional issues, if you wish to learn more on the subject, you can read more about it here.

If you have to write it down, do it. And, If you must practice before talking to your husband, by all means, do it. 

And when you verbalize your feelings, never forget to explain why and how you felt that way. 

What are the events that lead up to these kinds of emotions? Did something happen at work? Did he do or say something you didn’t like?

Tell him all about it, and while you’re at it, be mindful of the tone of your voice as it will set up the mood of your conversation.

4. Come up with the best common resolution.

Sometimes, we want to open up and talk about our feelings because there is something that we want to happen or to change.

That being said, don’t forget to mention what you think or feel is the best solution to your current situation or emotions.

But, also take into consideration your husband’s opinion of the matter at hand. Remember, marriage also signifies partnership and teamwork.

Hence, it is not just your or your husband’s responsibility to come up with a resolution. It is your responsibility to figure out what’s best for your marriage.

5. Acknowledge your husband’s feelings.

Initiating this kind of conversation and bringing up your feelings will surely affect your husband, and it’s necessary that you also ask him about it.

After all, this marriage is not just about you but is also about him. So asking him what he felt afterward will also make him feel validated and important.

And by doing so, you will gain more confidence in talking about your feelings to your husband and facing conflicts at hand.

Negative Consequences Of Hiding Your Feelings

Oftentimes, it’s so much easier to shut down our emotions and build a wall between the person we have a conflict with than talk about the things bothering us and us.

However, suppressed and denied feelings would only lead to more problems with yourself and more conflicts in your marriage.

Here’s why:

Emotional exhaustion

Conflicts do not simply go away unless you find ways to resolve them. The same thing goes with the negative feelings you are experiencing towards your husband or your marriage.

The infamous “I’m fine,” “it doesn’t bother me,” and “it’s nothing” are the stepping stones to a more confusing and more complicated array of emotions.

It may make things seem okay for a little while because you are not engaging with any conflicts or confrontations as of the moment, but you’re actually not doing yourself any favor.

Whenever you ignore or refuse to acknowledge what you’re feeling, you are doing what they call “bottling up your emotions”, and it can negatively affect you physically and mentally.

Just like in a bottle, you can’t put everything inside as it will eventually spill over. In terms of your negative feelings, keeping them all inside will sooner or later make you explode.

Now, what will happen when all of your pent-up emotions suddenly blow up?

Instead of fixing the problem inside of your marriage in a healthy way, you are only causing more strain in your relationship, which may, later on, result in relationship fatigue.

Relationship burnout

Even relationships and marriages can make someone feel physically and emotionally exhausted, unmotivated, and trapped. This is called relationship burnout.

You see, whenever you feel bad about your husband and your marriage but refuse to talk about it, it will unconsciously manifest in how you treat your husband.

And, instead of saying the truth every time he asks you what’s wrong, you keep your mouth shut and shrug off what’s bothering you.

The thing is, if your husband truly knows you very well, no matter how many times you refuse to tell the truth, he will feel that there is something wrong with you.

And every time you refuse to talk about your feelings, he will begin to feel frustrated towards you and will feel like you don’t trust him enough.

Having to deal with this repeatedly may eventually lead to your husband feeling emotionally exhausted, which is detrimental to your marriage.

To avoid these negative consequences of suppressed and denied feelings, you must learn how to communicate with your husband effectively.

Conclusion

Talking about our feelings and being vulnerable in front of the people we love can be very difficult and scary.

But to make your marriage work and have healthy communication, you must start by acknowledging and validating whatever you are feeling.

Regardless of the cause of those feelings are personal experiences, something your husband did in particular, or something you deem wrong in your marriage.

What’s important is you communicate your feelings instead of suppressing or denying them, as doing so will hurt your physical and mental well-being.

And, of course, hiding your feelings may lead to emotional exhaustion and a strain in your relationship with your husband that can ultimately break your marriage apart.

Recommended: What Is Couples Therapy & Is It Right For You?

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