This is a huge nightmare for some married couples. You’re trying to get intimate, and you notice your husband doesn’t kiss you when you make love. Sure, you’re doing the deed, but you two aren’t kissing.
Sometimes they might do it after you beg them a bit. But what does it mean when a partner doesn’t kiss you when making love? What can you do about it?
Read on to learn more…
What does a lack of kissing mean?
If your husband doesn’t kiss when you have sex, then you should know that a lack of kissing isn’t the death knell on a relationship, but it does spell potential for trouble.
Kissing is an intimate activity. So while yes, sex is a big part of relationships, you can have sex and not kiss.
Kissing brings the bond together, and it secretes important hormones that bring the two of you together. It also offers a ton of benefits, not just a deeper bond.
Kissing is that love, that emotional connection that you two have with each other, and if you two aren’t kissing at least a little when making love, that’s a big problem.
So what happens when you don’t kiss enough?
Less kissing can lead to no kissing. The two of you aren’t kissing when greeting each other, before bed, or even just now and then.
You begin to doubt yourself and wonder if you’re good enough. You also may suspect your partner is cheating.
Then, you start to doubt your relationship. You two start to drift apart, and you get lonely. You feel like your partner is less your partner and more of a glorified roommate.
In a lot of cases, this also leads to couples actively spending less time together.
Some couples might even sleep in different beds, or other parts of the house, simply because nothing is happening.
Kissing, even outside of the bedroom, is important for a relationship.
When your husband doesn’t kiss during sex, things can feel like emotionless sex, and it can make you feel like you’re just a hole for them and not the person they’ve fallen for.
It’s upsetting. It can hurt you and make you question yourself. It can hurt your self-confidence as well.
So what can you do in this case? This is a huge relationship red flag to watch out for, but there are some things you can do to rectify this.
Don’t Force Him
I get it! You want to do it, but forcing someone to do anything will not work.
The same goes for your partner.
If you’re begging him to kiss or hug you, he’s probably going to do it, but there isn’t love there, the same with affection.
If you notice it during sex, making a spectacle about it will not fix the problem.
Chances are, you two need to sit down and talk this out in a mature manner and discuss exactly what’s going on.
If you force this on him, he will feel like it is an obligation, and it isn’t a marriage connected by love. This also builds resentment, especially if you feel like you’re being told to do something.
The best way is to discuss the issues, but don’t force them to do anything.
Don’t Overthink It
“My husband doesn’t kiss me when we make love, so he must be cheating on me.”
You need to make sure you don’t overthink what’s going on.
Some people are prone to overthinking because they believe there’s a lot more going on than expected. This can be hard, especially if you automatically assume they’re cheating.
There’s a lot of confusion because you don’t really know if you’re in the right or not. Some people don’t know whether it’s because of a partner’s personal issue or there’s a bigger problem at hand.
Whatever the case, worrying yourself isn’t healthy, nor will it help you feel good about what’s happening next. So if you’re not sure about what’s happening, stop yourself and get the facts first.
The facts will help ease your troubled mind, and it’s better to take time, analyze the situation, and see what you can do.
Plus, they might be avoiding you because of an issue they have in the bedroom. For example, men will avoid their partner if there is sexual impotence or erectile dysfunction, especially since they feel guilty about it.
Maybe they don’t want to kiss because they feel guilty they’re not performing as well.
These are all valid reasons, and sometimes, it’s their own lack of confidence that causes issues. So don’t immediately assume it’s a “you” problem.
Talk It Over
Next, you need to talk it over.
If you have many responsibilities, including parenting, make sure you get those done and then set aside time to discuss the problems.
Chances are your husband will shy away from doing so, but you have to do this. Sit down, talk it over, and work things out.
It’s a little scary, but first, you need to mention the behavior you’ve been seeing. Let your husband know that you noticed he doesn’t kiss you when you two make love.
When you confront him, don’t go straight to cheating, but if you feel that question needs to be asked, then do so.
He might get defensive, but keep this a place for both of you to talk. You may find out your husband might be cheating, which then presents another bigger problem.
If there isn’t cheating, it’s an intimacy issue or some resentment. So the next step is to talk about what’s been happening.
Maybe he’s stressed and doesn’t know how to express those feelings. You can sit there and talk to him about it.
When it comes to intimacy, sometimes doing activities together, including walking and talking, can benefit you immensely. That way, both of you can get any feelings out of the way.
Therapy is also a great option to help you two out immensely by helping you two connect better if you’re having communication issues. You can learn more about it here.
If he’s not talking, understand there’s something hidden, and you might need to confront him on this, so he tells the truth to you. Otherwise, he might continue to lie and hide, making you feel miserable.
Prioritize The Marriage
This is hard if you have kids, but spending a certain amount of time talking is important.
Even just talking for a few minutes a day about the issues is important.
While yes, children are a huge part of marriages, the problem with prioritizing them over your marriage is that you might feel a little lacking in some departments.
This is especially true if the two of you aren’t intimate, period.
In some cases, it might require you two to balance the time between work and kids, and if you notice that you are lacking, talk to them.
Remember, children are a big part of some marriages, but they also cause a strain on the sexual bond. So make sure you two also focus on your marriage, especially if you know there is something there that’s lacking.
Let Him Know Your Feelings
Sometimes it isn’t just a “him” problem. It’s a “you” issue too.
Some guys struggle when you’re fine with them coming over and cuddling, kissing, or whatever.
Sometimes they might not do it during sex since they feel like they’re doing something wrong.
No, don’t be afraid to let him know that he isn’t kissing or showing love. Obviously, don’t force him to do anything, but instead, you should sit there and tell him the truth, how you feel, and what makes you happy. Spelling it out will help you connect better.
Sometimes telling him what you like is really important. It also lets you express your feelings, which is an incredibly healthy activity.
Treat Him With Respect
What matters more to a man than love?
Men want respect. Women want love. If you’re not respecting your husband, it will crumble down.
If you aren’t listening and acknowledging his feelings, cutting him off, or just making him feel bad, he’s going to shy away from talking to you about anything.
However, by showing respect, he’ll be more confident than ever, and you’ll be much happier with the results too.
Respect goes a long way, and if you’re not showing him respect, he’s going to think you don’t care, and it will negatively impact your communication and bedroom fun.
If there are low sex drive issues, you should communicate that respectfully. He’s probably a little embarrassed about this too.
Finally – and I cannot stress this enough – consider talking to a therapist to help you with this by letting them know that your husband doesn’t kiss you when you make love.
A therapist can help you both talk it out, which is good if there is a lot of hesitation when talking.
You can read more about it here.
Sometimes couple’s counseling might end with the decision for divorce if there’s no way to salvage the relationship. If that occurs, it’s not your fault.
But couple’s counseling allows you two to work together to work things out. That way, you two aren’t upset with one another and can work things out consistently.
For many couples, a lack of intimacy during sex is one of the hardest things to deal with. It’s hurtful, and many people struggle to talk to their partners about this.
But if you do this, it can help you work out the problems to iron out the kinks, and still have a happy marriage.
Recommended: What Is Couples Therapy & Is It Right For You?