Whether they’re a wife or husband, both show similar signs of cheating. I know what it’s like to have something like this keep me up at night. It’s not pretty.
So how does one know what to look for to tell if their spouse is cheating or not? Here are 20 signs to keep an eye on.
1. They constantly accuse you of being a cheater.
A common thing found among cheaters, is they tend to accuse others of their own behavior. The reason for this is manipulative in nature. It’s called “gaslighting” and in a way, it’s meant to take the focus off of them and place it on you.
The gaslighter is cheating — they are planning the secret meetings with their lovers, and getting a rush from it. They are invested in keeping up the charade. To keep you off-kilter, they start accusing you of cheating. The goal is to keep you so busy defending yourself and being emotionally distraught that you don’t have enough time to pay attention to the gaslighter’s own behavior. –Stephanie A. Sarkis Ph.D., Psychology Today
If this is something your spouse is doing very often, it’s a big sign your husband or wife is having an affair.
2. They’ve become more judgmental towards your marriage or relationship.
One thing to note about a cheating spouse is that they usually try to rationalize their behavior. One way of doing this is by making out their marriage or relationship to be worse than it actually is.
It makes them feel like cheating wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. An “escape” from the horrors of their marital problems. But don’t mistake this for being the truth.
In fact, your marriage could be perfectly fine. This is just their way of rationalizing their own behavior. If you find that your husband or wife is constantly judging you or the relationship, that’s a sign of cheating.
3. Your marriage is suddenly better than ever.
If your marriage is really great right now, I don’t want to burst your bubble but it could be a sign your spouse is a cheater. This goes more for the relationships that weren’t that great, and then out of nowhere, they’re amazing.
You might even be suspicious of it, and rightfully so. It’s not normal for something to go from bad or okay to amazing. It usually takes effort. So if it happened suddenly, there’s a chance that your spouse is getting their needs met elsewhere.
Anything you didn’t “bring to the table” wouldn’t be that big a deal to them. They’re already getting it from someone else. Now they can focus on the good parts about the marriage, which tend to make them happier and “appreciate” you that much more. Which will in turn, make you happy. (At a very great cost of course.)
4. They look better than normal, more often.
While we all appreciate it when our spouse dresses up nicely for us, it could also be indicative of a cheater. Just think about it.
When you’re single and looking to attract others, what do you do? You try to look your best more often. But once you’re in a committed relationship such as a marriage, this phase dies down. You don’t need to do it anymore. That’s not to say that you don’t want to impress your significant other. But let’s face it, that’s often not the case.
If you find that your spouse wasn’t caring about their looks that much, and then suddenly they are, it’s a strong sign of cheating going on.
5. They aren’t talking to you as much.
It’s normal for a marriage to get to a point where you aren’t communicating as much as you used to, but it shouldn’t get too bad. This type of thing is detrimental to your relationship.
Not only that, but it’s also a signal your spouse may be cheating. It’s often associated with an emotional affair.
Pretty much, your spouse might have not been getting the feedback they wanted from you whenever they would share a story with you. If this happens enough times, they try to look for someone else to share those stories with instead.
And once they find that person, they aren’t going to confide in you as much. Though this form of cheating is classified as “emotional infidelity,” it’s still cheating nonetheless.
6. They avoid the conversation whenever you try to confront them on it.
It’s normal for your partner to confront you if they feel suspicious about your behavior lately. And if you’ve never actually cheated, you’d more than likely have a good explanation for that behavior.
You’d sit them down and explain everything in a calm manner. You’ve done nothing wrong so why make a big deal of it right? Right. But a cheater? Forget about it.
Typical behavior of a cheating spouse when confronted is anger and gaslighting. You don’t need to look further than an episode of “Cheaters” to see this.
They behave in a similar fashion even if you don’t have proof of them cheating. So if your spouse isn’t reassuring you of their faithfulness towards you, that’s a huge sign of infidelity going on.
7. The intimacy has faded.
It’s a sad moment when sexual attraction fades. And though it could be due to many reasons, a common one is that they’re getting it from someone else.
So if you find that your spouse is constantly rejecting you in the bedroom, that could be a sign of a cheater.
8. They’ve grown to be more disrespectful towards you.
Whether it’s the lack of caring or emotional abuse, when your spouse is increasingly showing disrespect towards you, they’re showing disrespect towards your marriage.
And though arguing and getting irritated by your partner is normal, there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. So when you find them crossing that line again and again. It’s a sign that they do not care for you nor the marriage anymore.
If it’s gotten to that point, then what makes you think they wouldn’t cheat on you? They’ve already shown they don’t care.
9. They guard their phone with their life.
Technology is making it very easy for people to cheat, especially since they can keep in touch with “back-burners.”
Although everyone is entitled to privacy, cheaters are abnormally cautious of leaving their phone around their spouse. For example, if they have their phone connected to the car for music and then take it off just to pump gas? That’s abnormal.
Most people would just leave the music playing and pump the gas. But a cheater is uptight whenever there’s potential access to the device they use to make hidden arrangements with, and it’s near the person they’re trying to hide those arrangements from.
So if your husband or wife is weirdly protective of their phone, that’s a strong sign your spouse could be a cheater.
10. They’re constantly liking the same person’s posts on social media.
The other person is usually someone of the opposite sex. In fact, this could be multiple people. If you’re finding that your spouse is always liking the posts of the same people of the opposite sex over and over, it’s an indication of an affair. (Or at least that they want one.)
And though they might say they’re just a friend or a co-worker, just remember that 85% of all cheating starts in the workplace.
11. They constantly insist that you take a trip to get away.
Whether it’s a trip to go visit family or a vacation with your friends, it doesn’t matter. The reason why cheaters insist you do it is so they can spend more time with the person they’re cheating with.
Most cheating spouses are aware that these kinds of opportunities don’t happen often, that’s why they try to “make it happen.”
12. Unexplained charges on bank or credit card statements.
You may have heard of the phrase “financial infidelity.” It’s when your spouse hides charges from you by creating another account that you don’t know about.
This is a very big predictor of divorce. There’s a reason why cheaters want to hide their transactions. If where they tell you they’ve been doesn’t match up with the statements, their plot is foiled!
Sometimes cheating spouses are too lazy to do this and decide to use a shared account. Maybe they feel as if you’d never really check. But if there are indeed some odd charges on your shared accounts or if you find that your spouse has decided to make a new account, it’s a big sign of cheating.
13. Your gut is telling you.
That’s right. It’s an instinct we as a social species have. We can tell when something is off about our relationship. However, it’s not right all the time. So take that into consideration.
That’s why it’s important to do your research.
14. Their friends are acting differently toward you.
Often times, your spouse’s friends will know about the cheating going on before you do, if you ever do find out. This is for obvious reasons. People tend to share their escapades with their friends and even their family. There are some cases where this doesn’t happen and they’d rather keep it completely secret.
But if their friends do know, they’re more likely to act very uncomfortable around you. So pay attention to how their friends are acting towards you the next time you have some sort of social gathering.
If you’re feeling really bold, it might even be worth it to ask their friends if your spouse is cheating on you! Their response could be very telling, especially if you catch them off guard. They’ll most likely say no but it’s the body language you want to pay attention to. (Though this could prove to be risky if their friend ends up telling your spouse that you’ve asked such a question.)
15. Their routine has changed dramatically.
Most times, if your spouse wants to make a change in their routine, they would invite you to be part of that change with them.
In a long term marriage, we tend to get very set in our ways and patterns of daily life. You’ll know your spouse’s routine in and out. So if it changes up out of nowhere, that could be a sign that they’ve changed it up to make time for someone else. So pay attention to their routine and daily activities. There could be some very big signs of infidelity going on.
16. They’ve cheated in the past.
Is the saying: “Once a cheater, always a cheater” true? Maybe not. People do have the ability to change, especially for those they love.
However, studies have shown that people who’ve cheated in the past are more likely to do it again than the average person.
So if your spouse admitted to cheating before, whether it’s on you, with you or on another, just know that there’s a higher risk that they will do it again.
17. Higher use of social media out of the blue.
If your spouse never really used social media in the past, then all of a sudden they’re making posts more often, there’s a chance that they could be doing it to get more attention from their new & hidden lover.
This goes back to sudden change in behavior being a strong indicator of your spouse having an affair, only this is specific to online behavior.
18. They’re telling you a story they’ve already told you.
Now, if your spouse has always been this way, then it’s probably just normal for them. However, if they’ve recently started doing this, then it’s a sign your spouse could be cheating.
The reason? If your spouse wants to share a story with you, they probably think they haven’t told you yet. They know they told someone (their hidden other) but they aren’t sure if it was you they told. So they tell you anyway just to make sure.
However, there are cases where they’ve already shared the story with you but thought it was their hidden other instead. So they decide to tell you again.
19. Finding any form of birth control laying around.
If you and your spouse regularly use condoms then this might not be an indicator. But if you don’t and you happen to spot one in the car or in the room, that’s a strong sign there’s an affair going on.
20. If they never use their phone around you.
If you find that your spouse is always on their phone when you’re not around, but all of a sudden they’re rarely on it when you’re next to them, it’s a strong sign of cheating.
Why? Because a cheater is very paranoid when their phone is near you. They know that there’s a possibility of their “hidden other” texting them at any given moment.
And if you’re there at that moment, they’re busted and will have to come up with an excuse. But they can avoid all of that by just putting their phone on silent and away while they’re with you.
Now, obviously these signs aren’t evidence. This is all circumstantial. These are just behaviors that cheaters often exude.
If you want to know what are the chances of your spouse being a cheater, you may want to have a serious look into our short quiz. You can take it here.